Playing for the win.

I've never been competitive. Faced with the option of winning or just having fun, I've always chosen fun. And hey, if having fun comes with winning, then I'm all about it. Reflecting back on my five years in high school, nothing brought me more anxiety than PE and being forced to play on a team with my classmates. No matter the sport, I was terrible. I couldn't catch, throw, kick, dodge, or respectably manage to ever hold my own on a field. My classmates grew to resent having me on their team and I was usually picked last or relegated to the B squad. On many days, I walked into PE counting the number of us there that day secretly hoping there'd be an odd number and I could volunteer to sit out. Does that sound like Diary of a Wimpy Kid? 

While those days are definitely long gone and I'm now less athletically challenged, I still shy away from rec leagues and other competitive outings. I don't want to embarrass myself or be a let down to others. You can tell I've got some self esteem issues in this department. I'm working on it. Winning has never been important to me. I value a loss just as much as a win and focus more on the camaraderie and the teamwork than the actual win or loss. So it surprises even me that in the game of love, I've been hoping for a win, praying for a win, and as vulnerable as I care to be on this blog, longing for a win. 

I've been officially "single" for awhile now and before someone (including me) starts to feel sorry for me, that time has been filled with several roller coaster adventures and great stories in the quest to find my person. I've gone on countless dates and dated a handful of guys but never quite found the right fit. However I don't discount the journey and I'm proud that for a guy who didn't start dating until his 30s, I've thrown myself out there in the last three years and I've learned an unbelievable amount. I've shed some tears (quite a few) but I've also laughed a ton and feel really good about the ride thus far.

But. In navigating the dating scene in NOLA and finding ways to be happy without the need for a relationship, I realize I'm still coming up short. I'm in no way discounting the gains and the strides I've made in better understanding who I am, what I need, and what I'm looking for in a future partner. I've gained more clarity and purpose in my dating and don't apologize for my high standards in finding my equal. There's a lot of great guys out there, just not the right guys for me. And that's ok. I'm hopeful the right guy out there for me is right around the corner. I think one of the hardest things is being patient and waiting. It can seem exhausting to throw yourself into the dating pool and when a potential relationship goes south and you're back to the drawing board, it can feel overwhelming to start over. I've been there way more than I care to recount.

But I keep hope alive and I stay in the game because I'm confident that the right guy is out there. Maybe our paths have already crossed and maybe they haven't yet. But I'm committed to playing and I want to win. Don't we all?