Five Years of Dating.

As my five-year anniversary (back) in NOLA looms on the horizon, it also marks five years of dating. I'm always cognizant when I tell a guy I didn't start dating until my 30s that it may raise some yellow flags. Sometimes I leave it with saying I needed to focus on me in my 20s to really figure out who I am, what I wanted, and what I needed in a partner. Sometimes I dive deeper into why I didn't really date in my 20s and that's a longer story into my journey of love and self-acceptance. But I digress.

In any event, I made a promise to myself when I moved back to NOLA at age 30 at the start of 2013 that I needed to date. And it needed to become a priority. I had no clue when I began that journey that I'd learn even more about myself than I thought possible and that I'd kiss many a frogs. Plenty of frogs. Too many frogs. So five years, 50 (or more) first dates, and two failed relationships later, I'd like to think I'm in a better place. A more resilient place.

I wouldn't say I recap my years based on men but given we're approaching the end of the year, I did do a quick mental catalog of the men who came (and went) in 2017. Some I met online and others I met in real life. With all I was up front and honest that the goal was a relationship - finding my person - and most taught me something when it was all said and done.

Here's a look back on some of those lessons learned from dating in 2017:

• You lose everything by not "going for it" and gain nothing by sitting on the sidelines. I've learned to be more bold in this last year and not be afraid to reach out and introduce myself to a guy (easier done online than in real life) and let him know I think he's cute. Occasionally that guy says no thanks. But more often than not, he finds me attractive as well and I never have to wonder "what could have been."

• Relationships are a rarity in this NOLA scene. Perhaps it's that way in gay communities elsewhere but given NOLA is the only city I've dated in, I've got no comparison. I've learned most men like the idea of a relationship but not the work (read: commitment) of one. Most are still figuring it out, don't want to be tied down, don't want to focus the needed energy and attention into building a relationship and sustaining one. So though they may say they want one in our initial conversation or first few dates, they end up opting out. 

• Timing is everything. I've talked to so many men for whom timing just wasn't right. Just got out of a relationship and weren't ready yet. Work was all-consuming at the moment. Family life was chaotic. And sometimes men fall away because timing wasn't ideal but reappear down the road. I hold out for the guy where the timing is just right. Both in the same place. Both ready. 

• Be flexible. Be adaptable. Be open. This one carries the most faith-based message for me. The need to let things happen as they are supposed to and not try to control everything. Be open to something new and unexpected. Be adaptable when what you've mapped out in your head doesn't pan out. Be willing to let go of the reins and open yourself up to what the universe has in store.

• Trust your feelings (or lack thereof). There's a reason we don't date resumes. A guy can be incredible on paper and check all the boxes (or hell, most of them) but if you're not excited about him, jazzed to introduce him to your friends, and looking forward to seeing him again, you're just not that into him. You can't force feelings and you can't help the guys you fall for or the guys you don't. Don't beat yourself up about it but be honest with someone. DON'T LEAD THEM ON and don't beat around the bush. If you like them, lean in and if you don't, be kind to them and move on. 

• Don't let another person make you doubt yourself or love yourself less. I dated someone and the relationship was borderline manipulative. He exhibited signs of a potentially emotionally abusive partner. And as much as I cared about/for him and wanted things to work out, everyone around me (including me) was telling me to walk away. I chose me first.

• Weather the storm and hold out hope for the rainbow. I've had a series of bad luck in the dating department this year. Especially the latter half of the year where I invested in four different men who all said no thanks. And no matter how many times it happens, rejection never gets easier and the initial kick in the gut where the wind is knocked out of your sail leaves you defeated. It never takes away my own validation or self-worth but it definitely leaves me hurt, frustrated, and jaded. It makes me want to invest less even though I'm not wired that way. It's just not me. But damn. I'm ready for a win.

More and more, I've learned to lead with compassion and honesty and hope that all the work and heartache is worth it. I'm not giving up on finding the right guy and hoping he's just around the corner. Until then, bring on the lessons.