Masking Loneliness.
I've been wrestling with loneliness for the past month. Maybe longer but it's been particularly present these past few weeks. When's a good time to let people know you're struggling with loneliness? Is there one? Is that a quick text message you send to a friend and say "hey! I'm really struggling with being alone. It really feels sometimes like everyone has their person and is in a relationship and while I'm fine getting by on my own, I'm really tired of just feeling fine." Do you then follow that up with "hope you have a great weekend!" or "so that's me. what's new with you?" You see it doesn't ever seem like the right time let alone a good time to share with your community that you're craving connection on a deeper level and feeling a bit isolated.
I preach authenticity and vulnerability and yet I'm probably more comfortable with a quick post on social media divulging that then I would be having coffee with friends and unpacking that. Less risk I guess? More detached? I know my friends. They would try to solve it for me. Get a pet. Fill your social calendar with more outings. Find a new hobby. Perhaps all these things are true. And yet, I'm not sure it actually heals the desire and the longing to be in a relationship. Mask it? Sure. Put it on a shelf to be dealt with another day because I'm too active to be lonely? Perhaps. I've been great at deflecting lately when friends ask and keeping things light. Surface level. One because I'm not entirely sure how to begin this conversation and two, my friends have their own lives. I dread the word "busy" and I feel like that's the state everyone is in these days. Too much going on. And I've never been one to dump my struggles on my friends.
We celebrated my grandmother's 90th birthday last weekend and extended family traveled into town that I rarely get to see aside from the occasional wedding or other reunion event. In saying hello to several of my cousins, many commented how amazing my life is and how lucky am I, how envious they are, and what a time to be alive it must be for me! I laughed all these off asking what led them to believe I was constantly thriving? Instagram they answered. Those photos are curated I replied. I don't mean for this post to take away my gratitude. Yes, I'm grateful. But the carefully selected photos that are filtered just right in the hopes of increasing likes and making it seem like I'm on top of the world are just that - photos. A photo can be worth 1,000 words or it can be a mask.
So that's where I am today. And I own that. I own that feelings shift and life throws curve balls and maybe I'll be sitting in this same place a week from now and maybe I won't be. But today it felt important to own that I am struggling. Vulnerable. Authentic. True.
I preach authenticity and vulnerability and yet I'm probably more comfortable with a quick post on social media divulging that then I would be having coffee with friends and unpacking that. Less risk I guess? More detached? I know my friends. They would try to solve it for me. Get a pet. Fill your social calendar with more outings. Find a new hobby. Perhaps all these things are true. And yet, I'm not sure it actually heals the desire and the longing to be in a relationship. Mask it? Sure. Put it on a shelf to be dealt with another day because I'm too active to be lonely? Perhaps. I've been great at deflecting lately when friends ask and keeping things light. Surface level. One because I'm not entirely sure how to begin this conversation and two, my friends have their own lives. I dread the word "busy" and I feel like that's the state everyone is in these days. Too much going on. And I've never been one to dump my struggles on my friends.
We celebrated my grandmother's 90th birthday last weekend and extended family traveled into town that I rarely get to see aside from the occasional wedding or other reunion event. In saying hello to several of my cousins, many commented how amazing my life is and how lucky am I, how envious they are, and what a time to be alive it must be for me! I laughed all these off asking what led them to believe I was constantly thriving? Instagram they answered. Those photos are curated I replied. I don't mean for this post to take away my gratitude. Yes, I'm grateful. But the carefully selected photos that are filtered just right in the hopes of increasing likes and making it seem like I'm on top of the world are just that - photos. A photo can be worth 1,000 words or it can be a mask.
So that's where I am today. And I own that. I own that feelings shift and life throws curve balls and maybe I'll be sitting in this same place a week from now and maybe I won't be. But today it felt important to own that I am struggling. Vulnerable. Authentic. True.
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