The healing.

Since beginning this blog back in the summer of 2008, I've made reference several times through my history of blogging that I have always been careful to note that a blog is not a diary or a journal. And I'm proud of myself for being true to that over the years. And as such, I am going to continue to honor that and not use the blog to journal. All that being said, I set out when I started this blog to chronicle my life, the story of my life, and be able to have it for the future as something to look back on and remember when...So here goes. Big gulp.

It's not lost on me that my most prior post ends with me giving thanks for a dating relationship. One that changed me, sustained and fulfilled me, and made me a better version of myself, one I came to love even more than my former self. And as quickly as that relationship appeared in my life and on the blog, it has ended. It takes two people to commit to a journey together but only one to realize you've reached the destination and end the adventure. And that has been excruciatingly tough and painful for me as it was a journey I had grown really comfortable with and was loving every minute of. One for the books. And I can now attest that the struggle is indeed real.

There's been an outpouring of support in the 4-5 days since. I have reached out sent out an SOS! to friends from all chapters of my life and asked for guidance and support, but most importantly, just a listening ear. For not being alone and having someone to listen has made it less...scary. The hardest part? The boy I gave my heart to became more than just a romantic partner, he became my platonic partner, too. And in all previous cases, he's the one I'd run to with any issues. So it's a double whammy to work through. What I am learning through the process of grieving over these last few days (and I know many, many more to come) is that I have to trust my gut and heed the advice I doll out on a regular basis to my students: do me. I have to figure out how to grieve in the way(s) I need to and figure out what a new normal looks like, a new normal I didn't ask for and certainly don't want. New routines, new habits, new memories to remind me of the joys of life. "Doing me" may mean that I try or do some non-traditional things as a way of healing. And by "non-traditional", I mean not following the many break up advice columns out there. Taking some pointers but not living solely by them. It means I am setting what I believe to be manageable and more realistic goals that I can work toward day by day. Because that's all I can do at this point. Day by day. Step by step. Just keep swimming, right Dory?

What all of this does mean for the blog is that I'll be struggling to be authentic while maintaining a certain level of privacy. It may mean some quiet days for the blog when the only thing I really want to write about is the heartache and the pain but need to refrain. It also means I am going to pick back up my journal, something I put down in college.

So here goes. The healing.