White.

What does it mean to be white? A question posed by my professor today that resulted in a room full of blank stares.

What exactly does it mean to be white? On one level, I equate this question to other identity related ones. Along the same lines as what does it mean to be a man? to be a Christian? to be heterosexual? On another level, it's a question I never stop to consider and think about because it's so ingrained. And because I have been socialized to believe that being white means being ashamed for the oppression that my race has caused others, my privilege I am afforded in society and that being PROUD to be white means an unwavering belief in white pride and power. And none of those things are things to be proud of...or things that being white should mean.

And I still can't wrap my mind around an answer of what it means to be white because frankly, the only time I ever really notice that I am white is when I'm in the minority. But even then, I don't think about what being white actually means to my own identity. I only think about being white in the context of what it means that I'm not when I'm in the minority.

And to be honest, that saddens me. It saddens me that I don't think about this, that I don't know what it means for me to be white and how that identity has shaped me as an individual today. And that's unfortunate. Why is it that only marginalized individuals are encouraged to stand up for their identities and be proud of who they are? Why do I have such different feelings about my sexuality than I do about my racial identity? Why can I rattle off about what it means to be gay but I can't tell you one thing about what it means to be white?

So I'm left unsettled tonight wondering how I should define who I am as a white person and how that aspect of my identity shapes me as a person and as a professional and impacts the way in which I view the world and treat others.

...I just don't know...